Lost in the Forgetting

As I grow older, I realize that my memory is for crap.

That fact has been used to hurt me in the past. There are several people who, in the course of my life, utilized my poor memory against me.

For the longest time, I tried to hide my memory problems. Trying to lie to cover up the fact that you just don't remember is not exactly the best solution for the problem. For one thing, liars need to have a really good memory, to be able to tell the same lie over and over again.

As I have come to understand the truth of the idea of "honesty making the best policy," and implement that policy, I've started to have less and less trouble with that kind of memory problem.

Being consistent is not just a good idea for memory retention, it helps you be able to present a decent face to the rest of the world, as well.

Sometimes, though, there are whole conversations and whole agreements that I have had and have made that I just don't remember. This is difficult for me, especially since I used to spend a lot of time with a person who really used my poor memory against me. This person knew that I was vulnerable to forgetting things, so she utilized this knowledge in "Gaslighting" me.

Such a manipulative person should have the license to talk revoked, in my opinion. But I digress.

I don't think that anyone in my life would purposefully do this to manipulate me. I believe I've learned over the course of years to seperate myself from that kind of person.

So, now, I just have to sit down and say, "OK, look – I don't remember what you're talking about. I'm willing to believe that you said it and that I was there. I can't for the life of me recall saying that. However, if you'd like to tell me what we talked about, I can give a stab at remembering it."

 My memory is relative and relational. Each meme unit is connected to other meme-units. If I can get the meme-units linked together, I will have a fairly decent memory of something.

In order to create the meme-unit connections, I try to establish ties with the memory to already existing frameworks. For example, if I need to remember a particular appointment, I always do better when I have a reminder pop up on my computer, my cell phone, and my PDA AND having a post-it note on my computer monitor AND putting it on my car dashboard AND talking about it to several people, who will most likely ask me, "So, did you get the tickets to that Brazillian Penguin Performance this weekend, like you said you were?"

Actually, it's only things I find boring that I have a truly hard time remembering. I have developed several different strategies for remembering these things:

• Tie the boring appointment with something fun in your mind: If I go to the Doctor's appointment this Wednesday, I will reward myself with a stop at a bookstore.
• Reinforce things. When doing chit-chat about your week, say to your chat partner, "I'm going to get to go to a bookstore this week when I remember to go to my doctor's appointment."
• Use a website like AirSet.com to send yourself phone messages reminding yourself things – 48 hours, 24 hours, 12 hours, then 3 hours, then 1 hour before hand.
• Leave notes for yourself.
• Call your own voicemail.

Above all, avoid beating yourself up for having a bad memory, because it just makes you stressed out, and stress leads to distraction, and distraction leads to having a bad memory.

 When doing something where you're handling really difficult topics, use a computer. Chat logs are so much better when you can go back and read them later and say, "Wow, OK, I remember when I said that you could paint yourself purple. I didn't realize I had agreed to that. OK."

And keep your sense of humor and forgive others their memory lapses. This is especially important.